Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
