I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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