The maid of honor just puked.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
my liver is dry heaving
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
