I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize