If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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