She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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