I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
