dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize