I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
