You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
