Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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