I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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