You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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