I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
