Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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