"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
