Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
