Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
