I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
