Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
