I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The best revenge is premature balding
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
