when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
