My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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