whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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