Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
this will be a night to untag.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize