Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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