there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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