i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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