Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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