New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
