I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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