I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
