so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
