Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
