the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's blow job season.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
