Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
