I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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