somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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