when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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