JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
