yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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