I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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