just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
