her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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