youre lurking in front of me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
