I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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