Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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