I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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