Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
