Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
