I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
