I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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