if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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