My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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