I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
