apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is my gift to your gina
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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