The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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