When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
