i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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